Ariel's Story ~

My name is Ariel; I am 27 years old and originally born and raised in San Diego California. From the beginning of time, I can re-call being different from other people. When I was a child, I displayed behaviorisms that were considered more extreme as opposed to the average child. This included: Social skills, creativity levels, tantrums, and everything else that a typical adolescent experiences during different stages. My personality, reactions, and behaviors were unusual, but I was still loveable. For those who came across my path, found me to be interesting and funny. Unfortunately, my father decided to play an abusive role in my life. He was physically and mentally cruel to my entire family, especially during those important years while my sister and I were growing up. However, I received the worst of his wrath. This was probably a result of being someone who stands up for themselves. Refusing to take it, I constantly lashed back. My parents called it rebellion and I was immediately labeled a “bad seed.” 

The stigma stuck with me through my teenage years. I figured since nobody could understand me, the only choice available was to become what everyone already considered me to be. Even though I wasn’t a bad kid, I had a lot of trouble in school. I couldn’t focus, and became easily distracted by social outlets. When I turned thirteen, I became friends with other troubled teens. I was drawn and gravitated to girls who took advantage of me, and even stole from me at times. All I wanted was their acceptance, and I was extremely forgiving. During this point, I started drinking, smoking marijuana, ditching school, being sexually active, (I decided that as long as I kept my virginity, I could break every other rule in the book!), instigated and got into many fights. At the time, it was great! I figured that being bad wasn’t so bad after all. 

Eventually, I somehow made it to high school. The high school I attended was huge! There were tons of people who attended, and I experienced the exact same troubles. Surprise, surprise!  However, I made some of the best friends that I will know for the rest of my life during that time.

There was a lot of pressure coming from different people to succeed, including myself. Deep inside, I knew that I was incapable of handling this environment. I discovered a small continuation school in my area. A lot of my other troubled friends were being sent to this school. I marched right into the school counselor’s office and requested to be sent over to this new school before I gave him a reason to send me there. My wish was granted. 

Abraxas was one of the best choices that I have ever made. The students addressed the teachers by their first names, and all they wanted was to see us overcome our personal obstacles, as we were all very different from one another. For the first time in my life, my homeroom teachers had faith in me! I began to mold into a young and motivated individual. I excelled. Who would of thought? I even joined a group called Toastmasters, and quickly realized that I had the gift of gab. I won a speaking contest in a classroom consisting of thirty people, and even went on to speak at a national event. I couldn’t believe it! All I needed was a little attention and encouragement. Next thing I knew, I was graduating with a cap and gown and a scholarship for college. 

The college I chose to attend is located in a small town up in Northern California called Feather River College. I enjoyed the idea of getting as far away as I could in order to live my own life the way I envisioned, even if it was in the middle of nowhere. 

My first real relationship began with someone whom I met that attended FRC as well. He was an abusive, alcoholic who brought out the worst out in me. After a few years, I finally decided to leave him, and moved in with a close friend who lived on the outskirts of town.

 During the course of our destructive relationship, I started experimenting with different drugs to escape. I did everything under the sun, but methamphetamine was my drug of choice. That went on for quite a few years.  Before I had a chance to breathe, or even realize what had happened to me, I was already in another relationship. It was a lot different from the first time around. Despite the change, my newfound drug addiction haunted me all the way until the bitter end. 

After a major breakdown, I decided it was time to move back home to move in with my family. This transition helped me a lot, but I was still self-medicating. Another relationship passed, including a sudden move to Albuquerque, New Mexico. That failed for a variety of different reasons, and I needed a quick change of scenery so I moved back to Quincy where I finally finished what I started. I graduated from college, returning to San Diego the day after the ceremony. 

While I was finishing school up north, I had met someone who lived there. After I moved back and got settled, it didn’t take long to convince each other that the long-distance wasn’t going to work out for either of us. I quit my job, left a good roommate situation, and moved back to Northern California, again. Are you getting dizzy yet? Obviously, that was a mistake. I wasn’t ready to be in another relationship after everything that I had been though, but this person represented what I originally thought that I wanted in my life so I was determined to see it through. After it ended, I was devastated and spiraled out of control. I starting heavily using drugs again, got a DUI, sunk into a deep depression and moved back to San Diego. I quickly found a new living situation. These new roommates were not bad people, but they were my polar opposites. I sunk into another deep depression, which lasted for months. Those months seemed like years.

In the mean time, my mother was living with my father, who didn’t seem to be getting any less hostile than he already was. When I approached my mom, this is exactly what I told her: “I can’t take it anymore, I gave my two weeks’ notice and I moving back up north as soon as possible.” Her response was: “No, you’re not, I am moving in with you.”  We jumped on board and we made it happen, although it wasn’t easy. After we finally moved in to our beautiful, new apartment, I went completely manic. This is when I decided to seek treatment.

After months of putting the pieces together, I finally was able to see an amazing neurologist the other day. This happened after experiencing a nightmare of a physiatrist who must have came from the fiery pits of hell. I was diagnosed with Bipolar 1 Disorder, in a manic phase. Problem list: Mania, Insomnia, Scattered thoughts and restless. To start treatment, the doctor prescribed me Lithium. 

This has been a long, dark and scary road for me. I went through a few major breakdowns, but with all breakdowns, come breakthroughs. Another door is closing and a new chapter of my life is beginning. My story isn’t over. 

Heather's Story!  




My name is Heather. I am 36 years old. I have been with my significant other for 12 years off and on now. I have three children, one who is also bipolar. I've been depressed for as far back as I can remember but that used to be all there was to deal with, until I turned 18. I started going thru these times where Id act out sexually, or violently or I'd just get REAL low and drink. I joined the navy at 18 because that was what i really wanted, but it didn't fit me well I guess. Those times happened more and more. No matter what antidepressent they put me on it didnt help me. I got married right out of the navy and spent the next five years having babies and getting beat up pretty much daily, i was so depressed i drank so much but I was frozen which wasnt like me i couldnt get out. Shortly after my third child, my inlaws literally bullied me into going into a hospital, I was so depressed but they didnt want me there for that I was "unworthy" so I went to this place thinking my ex was home with the  kids, only they toook the kids cross state lines and tucked him into a rehab. when i was there they put me on meds for the first time. im not sure i got a chance for them to work. the doc there told me I wasnt bipolar and that mostly i needed to meditate. when it came time to leave no one came for me I had no idea the kids were gone or anything, i had to call child protective services to get home and find out what was happening. i finally did leave and came to my hometown not to long after this. I got a place and tried to keep things together but i kept having nightmares about what id been thru and altho I didnt drink or drug my brain never once shut down. My anxiety was terriible. I tried to go back to school but i couldnt focus, people were talking about me. I finally signed temporary guardianship over to family members of my kids cause i was not the mom they needed at that point and i went to work on me. i went to meetings and church and school for law and i was on a roll, during all this i met my significant other (who is a god send) I was so high during one point of this the only thing missing was the drugs and alcohol. I fought to keep myself afloat I fought do the right thing. I was awful in my relationship. It just was hell day by day, things I loved slipped out of focus for me. About 4 years ago I finally hit the worst so  far for me, I walked on my man over nothing, I cut ties with people and I went on a nice little manic ride that embarrases me. I would get violent around my man, very violent. I wouldnt sleep. I always was crying. I talked faster than i thought. It went on and on. Finally I went to a doctor out of desperation who said I was bipolar and I needed to start some meds. I was desperate so I did. The last four years have been hard. Med changes are rough. So far we havent found the right combo for me. There is no "doc" to see for me because our mental health is "full up" so I do the best i can My girls live with me now and one of them has bipolar too, so we can be not so fun to be around at times. But my man, Dick, he's a god send he gets mad but he handles it in his own way. we both read a lot about bipolar and talk about it. Ive had family and friends turn on me but Dick and the kids wouldnt think of that as an option. I struggle daily and have few good days at all. But I enjoy the ones I get. So I guess thats me. 

Living by Hope

What is the most difficult part of having a relationship with a family member who is bipolar?

Since I am the one who has this darn illness that is a tough question in every way.  Difficult?  Am I really that difficult?  Well maybe so, but I sure don’t want to be or mean to be.  I don’t want to have those shifty moods, those lows where you want to end your life, or the highs were you might say something you shouldn’t say.  I don’t like that I have this thing called bipolar which I do not have total control over and can never be completely healed.  What I can do is try daily to maintain, to take breaks, take my medications, walk, and pray.  

My name is Maggie Reese.  I was diagnosed with bipolar 1 at 19 years of age.  I was hospitalized twice, put my family through complete hell, and thought I was literally in hell myself!  I went from being a running star, a good student, and a fun loving individual to an awful, mean, scary, and sad girl.  What got me through was my family.  They are incredible!

I have just spent an entire week at the beach with my family.  It was really great, but at the same time hard for me.  Sometimes the stress of everyone together get to be too much and I get a little snappy.  I don’t mean to.  But then again, isn’t that normal behavior, when you are with a group for an entire week?  I was able to have some great conversations with everyone and soak up the sun.  I feel so thankful that we are all still spending time together after all these years and still giving each other support. 

I cornered my brother first.   Tom and I were close growing up.  We were only two years apart.  Sure, we did the fighting as little ones but as we got older we had a good time together.  By high school we had the same friends and were on the same track and cross-country teams.  I loved having my brother around.  We went on all the running trips together to LA and had a blast.  We were both stars and enjoyed our glory.  When I got sick at the University of Idaho everything changed.  I had to quit college and move back home.  I ruined my brother’s senior year of high school with my first manic episode.  He was left to survive that year on his own while my family tried to save my life.  His glory went unnoticed with his amazing sports accomplishments and I even managed to ruin his graduation night.  So my relationship with my brother was lost.  Even as I began to get well it didn’t come back.  Not even an inch.  So here we were at the beach house and I asked him to answer this tough question.  He didn’t want to and brushed me off.  My begging worked.  This is how he responded.

Tom Hurst - Brother

“When she was first diagnosed I didn’t understand the disorder and chose not to deal with it....BIG MISTAKE!  You have to hit the problem head-on and educate yourself as much as you can about the disorder, and constantly work on building a better relationship.”

I cried when I read this.  I still am crying as I write this.  He is coming back to me.  Yes it has been 15 years since high school but I will take these bits of love he is giving out!

Next I sat down with my grandmother.  Grandma Virginia is 93 and is as sharp as a tack.  She doesn’t miss a beat and tells it like it is.  When I was in the middle of my manic episode at nineteen, I remember her saying, “Margaret don’t worry we are going to solve this and you are going to come back.  Now go sit down and eat your dinner. You're too thin!”  She made me feel calm and made me believe that someday I would be happy again.  She gave me hope by being so real in a crisis.  Grandma and I have always been close.  We have been sending letters back and forth since I was little.  We talk about everything.  We tell each other about our gardens, what new recipe we have found, and what great adventures we have been on.  My grandmother has traveled the world.  She is a strong woman.  When she says she is going to do something she does it.  Grandma took me to England when I was 21.  She put the bug in me to see what the world has to offer.  I have seen a lot of the world because of her.  We get each other in every way.  In my only other episode at 30 years of age, Matt and I had met her for breakfast so she could see our baby Allison.  I was completely out of it and she said, “Margaret you need some more pancakes!”  I felt normal for just an instant.  She is amazing.

Virginia Hailey - Grandmother

“Realizing the individual is in charge of their own life and you can be the back-up, but cannot solve the problem.”

Amy Hurst-Kownacki - Sister

“What is the most difficult part of having a relationship with a bipolar sister? My answer would be what is the most difficult part of having a relationship with any family member or someone close?  Yes, my sister is bipolar, but in my eyes she is an amazing person.  Everyday she makes a choice to live a full life.  As her sister there are good times as well as bad.  But the good outweigh everything.  And the bad...well there is really only an occasional bump in the road.  I don’t know any siblings out there that don’t have disagreements.   There are days where I can tell in her voice that she needs extra help or just a hug.  Maybe it is a day spent helping her with errands or cleaning house.  Other days she is at my rescue, picking me up at the airport or taking me to lunch.  I am thankful everyday that my sister is here.  I can’t imagine my life without her by my side, fighting in my corner.  She has amazing strength and courage to face each day.  I embrace and love my sister with my whole heart.  ~ With all my love, Amy”                                                                                                                

My mom has been having a nice week relaxing at the beach house.  I don’t want to bug her with this question so I wait it out to the very last morning to ask her.  Mom has been through so much with me.  It has taken years off her life.  The worry alone has just been a lot for any parent to take.  She got back into art as an outlet.  It started to take her places.  She started to sell.  She got in galleries.  She painted the world.  She went to Italy and came home and started a olive orchard which turned into you guessed it another business - olive oil.  Mom couldn’t stop there and turned her worries into much more. A vineyard, an organic meat company, spices, and lavender have become her passion.  She has taken a rough situation and turned it into magic.  My mom is my hero.  She never lets anything take her down.  She is somebody that I long to be like and try to be as tough as her.  She says I have the courage of a lion.  I think she does.  We are a lot alike, which sometimes makes it hard between us, but yet, we also have that understanding of no matter how hard it gets we are there for each other 100%.  Mom is somebody that knows how hard it is to have bipolar 1.  She knows how hard I work everyday to stay well.  She knows I try to hide my awful thoughts.  She gets it.  I love her for that.

Leslie Hurst - Mother

“What is the hardest part?  I suppose its stopping myself from helping too much, stopping myself from expecting too little, and stopping myself from interfering in Maggie’s life.  I know all of these three things come from, #1 the guilt I feel at having passed her the gene for Bipolar, #2 the fact that to keep her alive and   #3 move her forward in her life - I had to do those three things 24/7.  When she was sick - I had to help - I had to lower my expectations and I had to interfere in her life.   As she began to recover and as I began to let go, I think she was way more successful in her job than I was in my job.  In fact for many years I just tried to fill up my life with work so I wouldn’t be able to drop everything and come.  I probably overdid it too!  But I think I have come to a balance at last.  I can help when I am needed, I expect all the world for her and I don’t interfere in her life.  She is strong, independent, funny, and has a true desire to help others who are bipolar. How proud of her I am!”

My dad is real in every sense of the word.  No matter how bad a situation is it doesn’t break him.  He fights to the end of every crisis whether it is a business deal or a family matter.  He doesn’t quit until the problem is resolved.  He just had his 68th birthday here at the beach house.  Dad didn’t want gifts, cards, or special treatment.  What he did like was a day with his family sitting in the sand, riding the Belmont roller-coaster, and riding the bumper cars with his granddaughter.  Simple but perfect in every way.  In high school I use to cry and tell dad I didn’t have any talents. “Margaret when are you going to learn that everyone has a talent you just have to figure what yours is and then excel at that!”  I would listen for maybe a few minutes and then forget about this great advice of his and pout my way through high school even though I was very successful!  My dad chased me down for months all through my manic episode at nineteen at all hours of the day and night.  He believed in me even though I was so awful and mean.  He stayed strong and he eventually waited me out.  I came back one day and there he was waiting with open arms.  He fixes problems.  He fixed me!  He taught me to rely on the “Big Chief,” the man upstairs, God.  It took me awhile to believe that he was right.  But when I had my really terrible episode  after having my daughter Allie, I had no choice but to believe in a higher power!  God was there for me 100%.  I gave up trying to control everything and gave my worry to God.  My dad was right all these years.  He is awesome.

Joe Hurst - Father

“You must not take what they say personally.  It’s not their fault - you need to help them get through the bad times with compassion and firmness.  It is a very delicate balance to find.  So it is your job to protect them with firmness but give them the love they require.  It most always requires faith in a higher power than yourself.”

My daughter is the reason I want to stay well.  She makes me want to get up everyday and fight for my life.  I want to show her how to have courage, how to love, how to cook, be kind to others, and have a close relationship with God.  I love teaching her about life in every way.  We swim, we look for bugs, we get dirty in the garden, we fish, she helps water my mini vineyard, and she and I have great tickle wars.  I love her to pieces.  I never want to be sick again.  I don’t want to miss a moment of her life.  I will do anything I can to stay well to watch her grow into a wonderful young woman.

Allison Isabelle Reese - daughter 4 years old

“I love my mom....that is all...okay!”

It has been a few days since we have left our family beach vacation.  I am still waiting for Matt’s reply.  Matt is my husband.  He met me when I was 19.  He was hired as my bodyguard when I was completely out of control.  My parents were worn out from me going 100 miles an hour 24/7.  Matt is the love of my life.  I can’t get enough of him.  We have been married for 9 years but have been together for 15 years now.  He put up with me during my episode at 19.  He took my collect calls from Stanford Psychiatric ward.  When I got out he was there to take me on my first date in San Francisco.  He has been there through my depressions, through my manic highs, and again for the worst time of my life after giving birth to our daughter Allison.  I thought he was dead for six weeks after we had our baby girl.  He stayed strong.  He fed me, he changed the sheets because I sweated through them or peed the bed and bathed me.  More importantly he took care of our new baby for the first nine months day and night with no help from me.  I was severely ill.  He took care of not only a new baby but a very sick wife.  He in amazing.  I love him with all my heart.  He is my everything.

Matt Reese - Husband

“Knowing that things don’t change quickly.  When Maggie is anxious it lasts for weeks and months.  Manic spring energy is several months and the holiday depression lasts awhile too.  None of this can be remedied in a day or a week.  It takes time, medicine, a support system, rest, and patience.”

 After reading his response I responded, "Matt couldn't you put some mushy stuff in there!"   Matt's reply was simply, "Really, Mag, you know me better than that!"  He was right....I had to laugh.  He wasn't about to say something that wasn't him!

Even after all these years, I am very hard on myself for the damage I have done to each family member.  It runs deep in my veins.  The sadness that I have caused, the destruction I have left in my wake, and the years I have taken away from each one of them.  But at the same time, I am working towards forgiving myself.

Family is important.  It is key for me to have them on my side, helping me through thick and thin.  I am alive because they have all sacrificed for me to be here.  I can’t thank them enough.

Maggie Reese

Daughter, Sister, Granddaughter, Mother, Wife, and Author of Runaway Mind